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zara sa somehow listening to this song makes it magically all worthwhile i'm not really sure why it brings up glowing pictures in my mind of beautiful places, doing meaningful things, blue streetlit lamps (tho that is strictly the domain of saawariya...) this is the maddest thing i've ever done but oh well Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale. It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? ~Ronald Reagan hee sometimes what i think LOL The yoga mat is a good place to turn when talk therapy and antidepressants aren't enough. ~Amy Weintraub tell me about it. one handstand is AWESOMENESS x a gazillion. unfortunately, i doubt i'll ever be able to do one handstand -_- Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. ~Bill Watterson YEAH!!! Winding down, yo! Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work with your Sunday clothes on. ~Ed Howe MM-HMM! now searching for a hopelessly cheerful one... Every man's life is a fairy tale written by God's fingers. there are 101 things to do. i run from responsibility and now it looks like i'll have to face it face on. yeah, bring it on!
my only indulgence will be i think twisted hearts from the bakery and avant garde plays plan! go settle hr stuff NOW then settle consent forms stuffs then check files vaguely then turn everything over yays tmr i will so definitely treat myself to SOMETHING ALTHO I KNOW NOT WHAT. let's start with a quote (or two) from the MAN himself, gk chesterton There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds. Their is a road from the eye to heart that does not go through the intellect. oh tell me about it -_- The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. love How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win. GOOD ONE Oh, God, I struggle with low self-esteem all the time! I think everyone does. I have so much wrong with me, it's unbelievable! whoaaa who would have thought! Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from over mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life.Angelina Jolie weeeell if you say so, angie. as usual, i have no idea where i'm going, and if i'm ever going to get there WHY i want to go, at least know, but even wow that is bad bad poetry even maybe i'll find some enlightenment at church tonight, i seem to have some epiphany of some sort each time i go, which is not many times (of actually going) admittedly slowly cleaning up the junk and undesirable objects in my life i wish i had some money to buy junk foood sigh somebody save me. there will be happiness, soon, i am sure, somewhere, somehow.... i just want to get into med really hai. is this wrong? when everything is said and done, i feel no guilt at wanting to be part of such a noble profession, no guilt at selfishly wanting this... for if we dont do what we want ultimately, then we have only ourselves to blame... i will try, as usual what else is there left to do? every night i try to fall asleep praying so my guardian angel will finish the prayer for me. for i think my mortal prayers need some angelic help; ALL THE HELP they can get i really did not choose to go overseas to do this. but please do not deny me even that because of all the reasons eg family. i really just will not even exist if i do not get to do this, i have realized. it will be a walking shell bereft of anything. i am not holding tightly onto this, squeezing it madly. i am just a little lost girl, in the middle of family and friends but feeling like i am pi in the middle of the ocean of my life, praying that finally my dreams might come true...?
hope i dont know why i said the things i did i dont know whether to hope, to regret, to enthuse myself in preparation or to slouch around in despondency the twisted hearts from the bakery are good. it fills more than one part of me. this weeks epiphany joyful fast this is all a joyful fast heh its not very fast though is it? remember this, beyond everything else. my soul, my soul, o where you stand. was that from whitman's spider poem? NO WONDER so here we stand There was no end to the ways in which nice things are nicer than nasty ones. YEAH BABY tell me about it well i have no idea at all where to go from here. having no idea could be the wrong thing, too, but there is NOTHING TO BE DONE OH WOE In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day. it is, it is. well what to do. take one day at a time. hope m is right, and in the midst of so many bad things, something good HAS to happen. ahahaha. i just hope the good thing that happens is the RIGHT GOOD THING THAT HAPPENS COUGH well dear universe, you know what that is right? NOT a muffin or brownie falling on my head (which might render it inedible anyways....) plan weekend shopping week camp more shopping try and finish work at some point in the near future wootzersssssss
truth be told i am freaking out. this is just too weird for words. but if it were decided, i think i could not stand it. isn't it always better to be hanging in midair than to be plummeting towards the ground? ohyea. see, i am a coward. i tell myself it doesn't matter because if it did matter then i don't think i could handle subsequent failure. anyway. whatever happens, failing sucks. this is an unequivocal and irrefutable truth. no amount of preparing yourself mentally as in being upbeat and happy, or being downcast to sort of buffer the shock... no. none of that works. it's a very simple life situation win = happy lose = unhappy don't sue me, man. i didn't invent this, anyway. another quibble i have is, how come happiness is so transient, but sadness is so enduring?? but then again, maybe that's why happiness is so particularly happy? ok, not entirely actually. but, well, a thought. A THOUGHT. let me hunt round for a good, solid quote to keep in mind through it all. i think i will try my best to leave no stone unturned yet again. but ultimately, if God wants it to be, it will be. i can only try my best. and i do want this, of course, as opposed to not getting it, but God knows what my prayer for a miracle is. the good (HAHAHA! GOOD! LET ME JUST LAUGH SARDONICALLY FOR TEN MINUTES) bit of this, quite seriously, is that oh i have forgotten actually. ermm well crap it was probably something like, if you hold on too tightly to something, you might not get it anyway. either the caged bird will fly away when you aren't looking and the cage is open, or you hold your dreams so tight you suffocate them. sometimes when you are beyond even hope then God will give you something good. only he knows. of course, sometimes even when you are beyond hope you need to wait a little longer. whatever comes, i hope it will be good. quotequote! When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. There is a tendency for things to right themselves. i think these will suffice for now. these are enough. these are enough. wish me luck.
thoughts hi, i think that, people who have their dream uni all settled etc, should just SHUTUP because nothing compares to not knowing what is coming next. oh, i dont mean, the thoughts of will you have any friends in a foreign land. helloooo you made the choice. now just sit back smugly and think about your established education waiting stably in front of you. think about those who will be struggling through an undetermined amount of time before they manage to land a place, a place they wish was already presented to them gift-wrapped, in a course they actually want to pursue, in a school they want to study in. you, arcing across the sky in a pre-determined, carefully calculated, undeviating curve, just shut up; you are not allowed to angst. sometimes, i am ok with it, i think life is like that and not everyone can get everything they want. but everytime i consider how some people are poised to reach happiness so perfectly with everything they worked and dreamed for, and how some people not so very different from them on the basis of differences finer than hair strands continue plodding on with an existance they didn't ask for and they don't want; going on only because they think this time there might really be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. the difference in endpoints is SO STARK that it is nearly heartbreaking. how can the outcomes be so different??? and, you can't go back and change anything; if you even knew what there was to change. trying to find the little happinesses in life, knowing i have missed out on some big overarching ones, is like searching for flecks of gold ten years after the gold rush sucked the mines dry. its slightly pointless, but better than committing hara-kiri and slowly bleeding to death. anyway, i chose this path, and hopefully someday everything will turn out ok. this will remain vague but not so closed up as to be totally useless in the cathartic sense. i will make an effort to put a quote every post so as to inject some wisdom and sense into otherwise random angst. something to express the angst in a more literary yet concentrated fashion Panic and emptiness! Panic and emptiness! - em forster less gr-ness, more hope Where was I going? I puzzled and wondered about it til I actually enjoyed the puzzlement and wondering. good expression of how i'm concurrently striving to realize my dreams but just really want to take a break and slug down on the couch with a good book, good food, good movies, plus coffee. There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud. happyhappy Poetry is the synthesis of hyacinths and biscuits. and finally, for now that is, to last me until thursday and slightly beyond: Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes.
i did ok i realize, this CANNOT ever be completely anonymous, nor written with that assumption nevertheless, i like the song zara zara touch me muchly, oh and chakna chakna from namaste london, and Emraan Hashmi is extremely hot God is peace that's today's epiphany. what is happiness though? haiya
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